A Tale of Three Series
by White Viper
Summary: What happens when you take characters from Artemis Fowl, Harry Potter, and Lord of the Rings, give them weird personalities, and throw them together? Two words: mass chaos! Rated PG for reference to alcohol and some minor violence and language.
1. Let the Insanity Begin!

A Tale of Three Series

Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl, Harry Potter, or Lord of the Rings. They all either belong to Eoin Colfer, J.K. Rowling, or J.R.R. Tolkein. The name "Harriet Chin" and her occupation belongs to Nickelodeon. The rest is mine! All mine! Mwa-ha, mwa-ha, mwa-hahaha! Uh...never mind. Thanks to Big Mac (no, that's not my friend's real name) for helping me out with this.

This is a list of the characters, along with the series they're from and their...personalities:

From Artemis Fowl"

Artemis: sits in the background and laughs maniacally

Holly: is trigger-happy

Root: has major anger-management issues

Foaly: states obvious things

From Lord of the Rings:

Frodo: says random, pointless things

Aragorn: is a pyromaniac

Legolas: is a pretty boy

Gimli: is a weird little dude who likes pointy things

Gandalf: is a heavy smoker

Merry and Pippin: laugh hysterically at the dumbest things

From Harry Potter:

Harry: is completely paranoid

Ron: is a drunk

Hermione: has a crush on Legolas

Malfoy: is a caffeine addict (yes, it can happen)

Reporter Harriet Chin: is a reporter who is trying to interview all the above and is the

only "sane" person in this whole story. Not for long, though. Heh-heh-heh, evil chuckle, evil chuckle. Yes, I am weird, and yes, I do need a life. STOP MOCKING ME!

_Scene: Ace-reporter Harriet Chin tries to interview the characters of the three book _

_series (yes, that's plural) Artemis Fowl, Harry Potter, and Lord of the Rings. However,_

_they aren't exactly like they're portrayed in the books._

Harriet Chin: _Speaking to camera_ Hi. I'm Harriet Chin, and I'm here with several characters from the three best-selling book series Artemis Fowl, Harry Potter, and Lord of the Rings. First, we have guests from Artemis Fowl. 

_Camera shows Artemis sitting calmly in a chair dressed in a Darth Vader wanna-be suit, _

_Holly clutching her gun and looking twitchy, Root with his face turning a funny shade of _

_purple, and Foaly with a glazed look in his eye._

Artemis:_ Muttering to himself_ Won't be long, now. Soon, I shall rulethe world! Mwa-

ha, mwa-ha, mwa-ha-ha-ha! _Laughs maniacally_

Harriet: Looking slightly freaked out Ooookay. _Edges chair away from Artemis_ Now 

Artemis, how has your sudden success affected your personal life?

Holly: _Looking at Harriet_ Can I shoot her?

Harriet: _Shocked _ What?!

Root: SHUT UP, MUD WOMAN!!!!!!

Foaly: _Pointing at Holly's gun_ That's a gun.

Root: WE KNOW THAT'S A GUN, PONY-BOY!!!!!

Harriet: _Looking as if she fears for her life (which she does)_ Okay, that's enough of that.

Let's bring out our next guests.

_Frodo, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Gandalf, Merry, and Pippin come out and sit down._

_Frodo appears to be deep in thought, Aragorn flips a cigarette lighter open and shut, _

_Legolas inspects his nails, Gimli eyes Aragorn's sword, Gandalf lights a cigarette, and _

_Merry and Pippin start poking each other and laughing._

Harriet: Hi, and welcome to the show. Now-

Frodo: _Interrupting _I had a puppy once.

Harriet: _Confused_ All right. Um, okay, that's nice.

Gimli: Ich mag pointy Sachen!

Legolas: What's that?

Gimli: I like pointy things! In German.

_From out of thin air _ Ooooo!

Harriet: _Looking around_ Where'd that come from?

Gandalf: _To Aragorn _Hey, gimme a light.

_Araorn shakes his head "no" and holds the lighter close._

Aragorn: My preciousssss _ Starts stroking the lighter_

Gandalf: _Sighs_ Alright, I'll do it myself. _The top of his staff sets itself on fire and he uses _

_it to light his cigarette._

Harriet: _To Gandalf_ Um, didn't you just light a cigarette?

Gandalf: _Looks at her like she's an idiot_ And your point is?

_Merry and Pippin bust up laughing_

Harriet: _Annoyed_ What?

Merry: If you shorten your first name, you get- HAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!

Pippin: HAIRY CHIN!!!

_The two laugh until they start to choke_

Harriet: _Sarcastically_ My, aren't you clever.

Frodo: One time, at band camp-

Gimli: I like pointy things!_ Pokes Legolas_

Legolas: Hey! Watch the shirt! _Tries to kick Gimli_

Gimli: _Giggling insanely _ Silly elf! Kicks are for trids!

Harriet: What's a trid?

Gimli: _Runs over and kicks her _You are! _Runs away as he, Merry and Pippin start _

_laughing._

Harriet: Why, you little- _ Remembers cameras _ I mean, how nice. Get our next guests out here. NOW! 

_Malfoy comes out carrying a huge thermos, followed by Hermione, who's staring at _

_Legolas, and Ron, who's carrying a case full of rum, beer, and other alcoholic _

_beverages. Harry is last, and he's extremely twitchy, with his eyes darting around._

Harriet: Hi, Harry.

Harry: AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! _Jumps three feet into the air before realizing who spoke to him. _Oh, hi.

Merry: Hey, we have Harry and Hairy! _He and Pippin start laughing. Again._

Ron: _Singing_ Rum! Glorious rum!

Harriet: _To Ron_ Aren't you underage?

Ron: Shhhh! _Glances around _The cops got me once! I'll never go back to jail!

Artemis: _To himself_ Fools! They don't know what I'm planning! Mwa-hahaha! _Laughs _

_maniacally_

Legolas: _Looking funny at Artemis_ Dude, you're weird.

Root: WATCH IT, GIRLY-MAN!!!

Hermione: _Staring at Legolas _Oooo, he's so not girly!

_A bird flies through the air nearby, causing Holly to lose control. _

Holly: MINE!!! _Starts shooting at the bird, missing more than not. She ends up hitting a _

_few lights, causing a few sparks to shoot out. A few small fires start here and there, and_

_they eventually combine to make one big bonfire._

Aragorn: _Starts crying _ That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

_Several crew members run over with fire extinguishers and put out the blaze._

Aragorn: Awww! I liked the fire. _Starts pouting._

_Harriet grabs her coffee cup and takes a sip. Malfoy notices and jumps her._

Harriet: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Harry: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

Malfoy: COFFEE!!!!! _Starts sucking the spilled coffee out of Harriet's suit._

Harriet: SOMEONE GET ME A RESTRAINING ORDER!!! _Starts hitting Malfoy, who finally leaves her alone._

Holly: Can I shoot him?

Frodo: Kittens like milk.

Root: WHERE THE HECK DID THAT COME FROM, BIGFOOT?!!!

Pippin: _Sneaks up behind Harry_ Voldemort!

Harry: AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! _Curls up in the fetal position on the ground. _Find a happy place! Find a happy place! _Starts rocking back and forth, sucking his thumb._

Ron: _Singing. Again. _TEQUILA! Du-duh da-du-da-du-da-duh. _Note: That's music in typed form._

Gimli: _Steals Aragorn's sword and starts running around, singing _ I like pointy things! I like pointy things!

Harriet: _Dodging Gimli _Hey! You could kill someone!

Holly:_ Aims her gun at Gimli_ I'll stop him!

Harriet: No, I didn't mean-

Gimli: _Spots Harry's wand lying on the ground_ Ooo! _Drops the sword and grabs the _

_wand. A bolt of red light shoots out and hits Legolas._ Yay! _Starts dancing and singing _I got the elf! I got the elf!

_Legolas throws off his burning shirt, causing Hermione's eyes to nearly pop out of their _

_sockets._

Ron: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

_Aragorn has just set Ron's case of alcohol on fire and is happily watching it burst into _

_flames._

Aragorn: Burn, baby! BURN!!!!

Ron:_ Falls to his knees_ Why, God? Why? WHY'S THE RUM GONE?!!!!!

_Gandalf walks to the inferno and lights two cigarettes, one for each hand. He then _

_proceeds to start smoking them. He's very happy._

_Merry and Pippin are, of course, completely amused by this, so they roll across the _

_ground laughing. A few sparks set them on fire, so their rolls are now to put out the _

_flames._

Foaly: That's a big fire.

Harriet: _Under her breath _Thank you Captain Obvious.

Holly: Can I shoot it?

Frodo: I like cheese.

Root: WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?!!!

Harriet: _To herself _They don't pay me enough for this.

Artemis: _Laughing evilly _ Once I get out of here, my plans will begin!

Holly: If it involves shooting, can I help?

_Harriet's eye starts twitching. Gimli runs by, being chased by Legolas, who's being _

_chased by Hermione. Aragorn dodges shots from Ron, who's really not happy about _

_losing his alcohol. _

Foaly: Everyone's running around.

Malfoy: Raiding the vending machines SUGAR!!! CAFFEINE!!! Starts singing 

Heaven! I'm in heaven!

Harriet: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I 

CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!! I'M OUTTA HERE!!!!!!!!! _Runs off screaming and _

_jabbering about evil little dwarves and drunk wizards._

_Everyone stops what they're doing._

Gimli: Alright, ya'll! Who's up for some poker?

_A table, chairs, cards, and poker chips magically appear, along with plenty of _

_Budweisers._

All of them: _Singing to opening of "Eye of the Tiger" _Beer! Beer beer beer! Beer beer 

beer!

Fin

Yeah...I have an excuse. I wrote this during band camp, so my mind was mush from having to repeat music and drills over and over again. The next chapters...I'll come up with something. Please R&R!


	2. Return of the Characters

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. But, if I did, I'd rule the world! AHAHAHHAHA!!!!! Um...never mind. Enjoy.

_Scene: Former ace-repoter Harriet Chin has been sent to a local mental institution because of a mental breakdown she suffered while interviewing characters from Artemis Fowl, Harry Potter, and Lord of th Rings. Now, all her storybook friends want to visit her. This'll be fun._

_Harry, Ron, and Hermione walk into Harriet's room._

Harry: Hello, Harriet.

Harriet: _Jumps up and starts screaming_ AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! NURSE! NUUUUUURSE!!!!!!!

Hermione: _Grabs Harriet's arm _ Harriet! It's all right, we're not here to harm you.

_Harriet stares at them suspiciously_

Harry: It's true. We just wanted to apologize for...before. You see-

_Merry and Pippin run in, interrupting_

Merry: Hiya Harry! Hiya Hairy! AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! _He and Pippin start laughing._

Gandalf: _Walks in, cigar in hand and followed by Foaly, and sets a case of beer on the table _ Brought you a present, Weasly.

Ron: _Staring at the beer _ I know I shouldn't...but it's just too good! MINE! _Jumps on the beer and breaks the table _

Pippin: Gained a little weight there, ay Ronny? HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!! _Do I need to say it?_

_Legolas and Aragorn walk in, dragging Malfoy._

Legolas: This yours?

Malfoy: CAFFEINE!!! SUGARSUGARSUGARSUGARSUGAR!!!!!!

Legolas: Found him out by the vending machines.

_Hermione sidles up next to him._

Hermione: Hi, Legolas. _Starts giggling_

Legolas: _Obviously uncomfortable_ Uhh...hi?

_Gimli, Artemis, Holly, Root, and Frodo come in._

Gimli: _Looking at Harriet _Yay! It's the trid!

Harriet:_ Curls up into the fetal position _Think happy thoughts! Think happy thoughts!

Pippin: Hey, Hairy! That's Harry's job! HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!

Harry: No it's not!

Merry: _From right behind Harry _Sauron!

Harry: AAAHHHHH!!! _Joins Harriet on the bed in the fetal position, muttering about conspiracies and evil plots._

Artemis: Soon my plan will be complete! I will rule! RULE!! MWA-HAHAHAA!!!

_Aragorn and Holly, meanwhile, notice several paper flowers sitting in a vase._

Holly: Can I shoot them?

Everyone else: No!

Aragorn: Can I burn them? _Flicks his lighter open_

Everyone else: No!

Frodo: Jack and Jill went up the hill.

Root: WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT, YOU NUMB-SKULLED SONOVA-

Frodo: _ Seeing Gollum walking outside the room in the hallway _AAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Harry: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Harriet: AAAAAHHHHHH!

All three: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Gollum: What's wrong?

Frodo: You're here...but you're dead.

Gollum: Actually, there's a funny story about- hey, how'd you get past security?

_Aragorn grabs Gollum, knocks him out, and stuffs him in a closet_

Holly: Can I shoot him?

Aragorn: Can I burn him?

Everyone else: NO!

Aragorn: _ Pouting _Aw, but I got the gasoline! _Holds up a can of gas_

Root: HOW THE HECK DID YOU GET THAT IN HERE?!!

Aragorn: Uhhh..._ Points at Harry _He did it!

Harry: AAAHHH!!

Artemis: The fools! The world will be mine, and they don't even suspect anything! Mwa-hahaha!!!

Legolas: AAAAHHHH!!! HELP!

_Hermione has latched herself onto him, her arms squeezing his chest._

Legolas: Need...air!

_Gandalf tries to pry Hermione off with his staff, but it doesn't work._

Gandalf: Hey, I tried. _Takes a puff of his cigar._

Hermione: _Dragging Legolas out of the room _Come with me, my love!

Legolas: NOOOOOOO!!!!!! _Gets pulled out of the room, kicking and screaming._

Pippin: Let's have a moment of silence in memory of our dear friend.

_Everyone's quiet for a second._

Merry: Long enough! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!

_Legolas comes crawling back in, shirt torn._

Legolas: I made it! I'm free!

Hermione: _Outside the room _Oh, Legolas?

Legolas: Hide me! _Dives under the bed._

Hermione: _Walking into the room _Where are you, my love?

Gimli: He's under the bed.

Legolas: _Voice slightly muffled _No, I'm not!

_Hermione grabs Legolas by the ankles and drags him out into the hallway._

Legolas: Why me?

Gimli: 'Cause you got sex appeal! HAHAAHAHA!

_He, Merry, and Pippin point and laugh mockingly._

_Ron and Malfoy start walking out._

Harriet: Where are you going?

Ron: Malfoy's headed to the vending machines-

Malfoy: MOUNTAIN DEW!!!!!

Ron: And I'm going to the bar.

Harriet: There's no bar here!

Ron: _Grinning _That's what you think. _He and Malfoy walk out, leaving a very disturbed Harriet._

Harriet: What's that supposed to mean?

Frodo: The chicken came before the egg.

Holly: I'll stop them! _Runs out into the hallway. Soon after, sounds of shooting and swearing come from the hallway._

Legolas:_ Dragging himself in _Almost...there!

Hermione: Come back! _Wrenches him back in the hall._

Legolas: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Harriet: God, take me now!

Holly: _Coming back in _I'm not God, but I'd be happy to oblige! One shot, quick and painless!

Aragorn: And I can burn your corpse and put it in a pretty jar!

Harriet: NURSE! NUUURSE!!

Gandalf: That won't do you any good. We bribed her to stay away today. _Everyone but Harriet starts laughing evilly. _

Artemis: Hey, that's my job!

Harriet: AAAHHHHH!! _Sits up in bed_ NURSE!

_A nurse comes running in._

Nurse: What now, Chin?

Harriet: _Noticing all the characters are gone _Where are they?!

Nurse: Who? No one's been in here, Chin.

Harriet: _Grabbing the nurse by the throat _I know they were here! Where are they?

Nurse: I think...it's time for...your medication.

Harriet: They were here! I'll get them! I...swear I'll...get..._Falls into a nice, drug-induced sleep._

Fin

Well, what do you think? Oh yeah, thanks to everyone who reviewed. I really, really appreciate it. Now, review this one. I need some ideas for my possible next chapter. Here's a quick summary: Harriet escapes from the loony bin and goes after the characters. I need some ideas for murder attempts. Nothing too gross, and something the characters can escape without even knowing they're being targeted. Anyway, catch ya later. Wow, I actually sounded sane!


	3. The Doctor Will See You Now

Hey, y'all. I'm baaaack! (people run away screaming in terror) All right, before we start, there're a few things I should mention so I don't get sued. If you really don't care, skip this.

Number one: Sorry it's taken me forever to write this chapter. I've had way too much to do. Oh, alright, I've just been lazy.

Number two: Thanks to my pal Sofia for helping me with the ending for chapter 2. Sorry I forgot to mention that. Ah, well. Better late than never.

Number three: You know how at the end of that last chapter, I said what this chapter would be about? Well…I lied. It was purely unintentional! See, I tried to write a chapter like I said I would, but I just couldn't get started. Sorry.

Number four: Thanks to everyone who reviewed. I'm too lazy to list them singularly, but PLEASE don't be offended.

Number five: I DON'T OWN ANY OF THE AREMIS FOWL, HARRY POTTER, OR LORD OF THE RINGS CHARACTERS OR HARRIET CHIN!!! GET OVER IT ALREADY! I like the caps lock button. Can you tell?

Number six: This chapter's probably going to be more sane than the other two. I hope it's still funny.

OK, enough crap. Let's get this show on the road!

_Scene: After several months in a mental institution, Harriet Chin is being reviewed by a board of doctors to see if she's ready to rejoin the "real world." Why she'd want to, I cannot fathom._

Harriet: _Sitting in a chair and acting completely sane_ Well, doctors, as you can see, I am completely cured.

Dr. Smith: Yes, Harriet, it appears so. Congratulations! What do you say we celebrate?

_Several of the doctors pull out bottles of liquor. Harriet grips the arms of her chair and stares at the bottles._

Dr. Jones: Harriet? Harriet, are you alright?

Harriet: Huh? Oh, yes, I'm…fine.

Dr. Jones: Perhaps you should just have some coffee-

Harriet: _Hyperventilating _Coffee-sugar-caffeine-coffee-coffee!

Dr. Smith: Harriet! HARRIET!!!

Harriet: _Breathing slightly more normally _Oh, I mean, coffee…yes, coffee would be…nice. But no sugar! I, uh, like my…coffee…black.

Dr. Smith: _Slightly confused _Alright. Here. _Hands Harriet a cup of coffee before taking out a cigarette and lighting it._

Harriet: _Throwing the coffee into the air_ AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

Dr. Smith: What? What?

Harriet: I- um, you see- I don't- approve of- of, uh, smoking! Yeah, smoking. 'Cause it's bad. For your…lungs and…stuff. So could you put it out PLEASE!

Dr. Smith: _Taking the cigarette out of his mouth _Well, you do have a point.

Dr. Jones: You know, Harriet, it might not be a bad idea for you to go lie down.

Harriet: No, no, I'm fine, really, it's just- _Several doctors who are under three feet tall walk in _AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

_Harriet jumps up and starts running around like a chicken with its head cut off. About five or six male, bulked up nurses come in with syringes and start chasing her._

Harriet: _Still running and babbling insanely _AAAHHH!!! TRID! CAFFEINE! RUM, GLORIOUS RUM! BURN! SHOOT! SUGARSUGARSUGARSUGARSUGAAAAR!!

_The nurses finally catch Harriet and drag her kicking and screaming to her cell, where she receives sedatives and a nice new straitjacket._

Yeah. Compared to the other chapters, this was ridiculously short. A big "Thank you" to Sofia. Again. She actually gave me the idea for this chapter. She's just slightly less insane than I am. But, she more than makes up for it with cruelty. Such evil…here's a tip: the only people you should trust less with a camera than your enemies are your friends. Especially if they have absolutely no problem black-mailing you. Let's just say I never should have worn that skirt…people screamed…things exploded…and Sofia got it all on camera. I'm babbling, aren't I? Yes, I am. See ya.


	4. Jean Pierre

It took me a couple of years, but I'm back! Yaaaay!!!

_Scene:_ _Harriet Chin has escaped the mental institution after two years of therapy (a.k.a. shock treatment) and is plotting her revenge. She has hired Jean Pierre, an assassin from New Jersey who was in the institution with her. He was under the impression that he was an animated baguette, hence his really bad accent, stereotypical horizontally striped shirt, overly tight pants (which aren't a good thing), beret, and curly moustache. He is sitting in an ice cream truck that he's parked across the street from the house where the Characters live._

Little Boy: Hey, mister! Gimme a Creamsicle, please.

Pierre: I'm sorry, little boy, but I am all out of ze Creamsicles. Now, go away, _s'il te plait_.

Little Boy: Okay. How about a Fudgesicle?

Pierre: _Non_, I am out of zem as well. Go away.

Little Boy: Popsicles?

Pierre: _Non_.

Little Boy: Ice cream sandwiches?

Pierre: _Non_.

Little Boy: Klondike Bars?

Pierre: _Non_.

Little Boy: Well, what do you have, mister?

Pierre: Nozing! _Getting out of the ice cream truck _I have no ice cream at all, you stupid, silly little boy! No, go away, or I will insult you a second time!

Little Boy: _Lower lip wobbling_ Fine! _He runs off, crying hysterically._

_Pierre turns back towards the house. He then notices that the characters have surrounded him._

Holly: _Hoisting her gun_ Can I shoot it?

Aragorn: _Pulling out a lighter and a can of gasoline _Can I burn it

Legolas: With gas at these prices?

Aragorn: Maybe you're right. _He puts down the gasoline and pockets the lighter. _I'll make it cool enough to be worth it. _He magically pulls a flamethrower out of thin air and sends flames shooting out the end of it._

Pierre:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Merry: He's got lungs!

Pippin: _Mocking the song "I Like Big Butts"_ Baby Got Lungs!

_He and Merry collapse to the ground, obviously finding this hilarious_

Artemis: No, he can't be hurt. He's part of my diabolical scheme!

Root: WHAT THE HELL?! YOU KEEP TALKING ABOUT A PLAN, BUT YOU HAVEN'T TOLD US WHAT IT IS!! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE ONE, DO YOU?

Artemis: Yes…it's top secret _Shifty eyes, shifty eyes _Let's just get him inside.

_The characters drag Pierre off kicking and screaming to the house._

_The little boy stands on the sidewalk across the street, having witnessed the entire thing_

Little Boy: Poopy-head. _He turns around and runs back to his house. Cue dramatic music, fade to black, and white script fades in_

White Script: To Be Continued…?

Okay, guys. So, if I get enough public interest (and enough time), I'll try to come up with a next chapter. Any ideas for really ridiculous forms of torture, nothing gross, I'm talking about stuff like being forced to watch Teletubbies or something, would be awesome. Review, _s'il vous plait_.


End file.
